A web of indecision.
Why planning even the smallest wedding is frying my brain, but giving me a new found respect for the ones I have attended.
Is there a limit to the usefulness of ‘inspiration’ content?
What happens when there is seemingly so many possible options that actually making a decision becomes a confusing mind field?
Why do I suddenly feel like I need ‘X’ when I had never even contemplated ‘X’ before?
Planning a (tiny) wedding has made me consider all of the above (and more).
I am not someone that has ever thought about planning a wedding, what my future wedding could be like, nor whether I would even ever get married. I’m not someone that had spent any amount of time dreaming about my ideal ‘perfect’ day. No Pinterest boards, no checklists, no visual inspiration, nothing. So, when my partner proposed late last year, I was thinking ‘sh%&, what now?’
Other than the obvious of course, I said yes. And to clarify, I have no confusion about wanting to get or be married, that’s the easy part, and yes probably the most important question to be clear on.
No, it’s all the other decisions that have been somewhat overwhelming. What rings do you like? What size wedding? Where will you have it? What do you want to wear? Do you want a cake? Or flowers? Who will set everything up? Who will we invite? How do you actually organise a legal wedding? Can we actually get married? Do I need permission from another country (I’m a dual citizen). Do we really need paper invitations? And on, and on, and on.
In fact, such has been my overwhelm and indecision, that I still don’t technically have an engagement ring, because how do you possibly choose a single piece of jewellery that you will like for decades when you have never thought about it before?
Now. Let’s be clear. This chat is all highly unimportant, in the grand scheme of the world and what’s truly important. First world problems, indeed. In fact, I am half eye-rolling at the self indulgence of it all, whilst typing this out. However, it is true that once you get engaged and the social media algorithms clock that…well it’s game over.
The flood gates open and you are submitted to a barrage of never-ending ‘inspo’. Ads for wedding dresses, florists, jewellery, photographers and venues…discover pages filled with engagement rings and proposals.
Now to be clear, this is my fault for sharing online in the first place, and sometimes I have also asked those that follow me for suggestions too. This has been somewhat helpful (thank you). However, I was not prepared for the all-consuming volume of, the echo chamber, and how very easily I have been sucked into a wedding marketing vortex.
For my own brain, this has been disastrous and has very quickly increased the level of my overthinking. The pressure to make the ‘perfect’ decision (even though there really is no right or wrong) becoming intolerable thanks to being flooded with a surplus of possible ideas and options.
I have (naively!) been surprised by the cost of weddings too, but also how easy it is justify this cost because in an ideal world we are ‘doing this once’. This invisible yet omnipresent ‘one time only’ pressure, though, is a lot. Even whilst telling myself that’s it’s only one day and it won’t all go to plan and it won’t necessarily be the ‘best day ever’…because grandiose expectations are a recipe for failure for me. I have still been sucked in.
Now on the flip side, having options, taking your time and making careful decisions can be worthwhile, especially if you are going to spend significant sums of money on something. However, it feels like a very fine and flimsy line between this, and having too many options, and simultaneously being served a colossal lesson in overwhelm and comparison.
Our photographer (yes, the first thing I booked and only thing I was ever clear about, other than my partner, obviously) said ‘…if you get overwhelmed, just bring it back to the two of you. What do you want to do do? What do you like to do?….’ And hey, that was great advice. Does it decrease the number of decisions involved or make this feel any less like a third-part-time-job’s-level-of-organisation? No.
However, thinking within that frame does absolutely reduce the weight of that ‘invisible pressure’.
Why is there even pressure? After all, isn’t it meant to be one of life’s important celebratory days that you are just meant to enjoy and not overthink. It’s feeling easier said than done.
The process so far has also given me an even greater respect for my friends that have organised (albeit even larger) weddings and invited me. I now literally see the effort. This chair cover - was at least three back and fourth emails. The flowers on this table - many 1000’s of pounds and a level of military precision in their early morning set up. This food - at least an afternoon set aside to decide on a menu.
All. That. Time.
So, even though I find attending weddings as a guest, also overwhelming (it’s like the Glastonbury of small talk…really not sure if that analogy works) and will generally only attend a couple in a year. I am now seeing in stark clarity, all the behind the scenes effort. Not just the ultimate outcome enjoyed by us all on the day, but the absolute blood, sweat, tears and time spent in the lead up. A couple ultimately putting in a lot of effort to not only make it ‘their day’, but also a seamless day of free food and wine for the rest of us too.
Granted, what I have found slightly perplexing about planning our wedding is that unlike some of the beautiful extravaganzas we have seen and/or attended, we are having what is essentially a “large elopement”. Only a select few close family members as guests. That’s it. So, why oh why am I even stressed?
I naively thought the small size would mean very few decisions, but alas, you are actually still contemplating many of the same things, just on a smaller scale. Except, that a lot of vendors also don’t really know how to cater or charge for something that is not either a last minute, four people (bride/groom/witnesses) elopement, nor a full wedding of more than 25-50+ guests. ‘We are only having X guests… No we do not need the top tier package?’
Fast forward to now, and some of this indecision is being pondered on in retrospect as we have indeed now sorted a venue, flowers, photographer and celebrant. I have tried on some dresses (though I hate dressing up and am finding the whole thing underwhelming and stressful) and will hopefully buy some shoes soon. We will have the rings made later in the year (I think I’ve mostly decided on what I like. May be then I will feel a bit calmer and be able to enjoy this all more.
Our tactic for making decisions now is ‘if I/we like it enough, it’s the one’. That’s it. No comparing to others, no overwhelming inspiration boards, no making decisions to just please others, or taking too much time tto back and forth and back again for each decision. Trying instead to make considered and intentional decisions based on what we like, what we can afford and what represents us as people and as a couple, but it is still at times so hard to crowd out that marketing noise.
Potentially, this piece reads as a rather vacuous and self-indulgent whinge as no one is actually making me plan a wedding, or forcing me to follow any societal norms, and it really is one day in the grand scheme of life (and the privilege that is living)
What I have ultimately come to realise throughout the process so far is that, yes at the core of it all… I love, love (in all it’s forms) and I am in no doubt about the decision to get married (neither is my partner), but I just do not love the ‘process’ of weddings (or any big event planning for that matter). I am SO glad, though, that we have hired people that do…that adore, live and breath weddings. You are all the best.
End of.
I would really love to hear from you. Have you planned a wedding? Did you love or loathe the process? Was it all worth it? Any tips or tricks to share?
Let me know in the comments below.
Camilla x